haiti in words, no photos

what a start to 2010! so far, half the year was spent working in haiti, alongside some incredibly dedicated people trying to protect the children in their communities. it’s always the people that i meet and work with that keeps me wanting to go back out for more. many of you ask me what it was like there; here’s one story.

when i was there in february, the scenes of huge piles of concrete rubble and the wrenching stories you'd hear were always worse than whatever i saw or heard on television. it’s one thing to hear about 100 nurses who died as they were in a training; it’s another thing to be hearing the story as you're standing next to the collapsed building that still entombs them under rubble and dust. my driver showed me photographs he kept in the glove compartment of his fiancée who died in the earthquake; he showed me where his house once stood, and now these photos that he salvaged from the rubble was his consolation.

as an expat bystander the whole atmosphere wasn’t so much depressing, as just chaotic and overwhelming – only so many ways to help, only so much resources, but everywhere you drove by were immense needs not being met. signs made out of bed sheets, pleading for food, water, and medicine. and when the heavy rains came, it brought relief from the heat, but you knew it brought muddy misery and drenched nights for the thousands others not as lucky to have shelter.

and the fear that lingered in the beating roar from the chopper blades of every helicopter overhead, or the deep vibrations that shook the walls when each mack truck rumbled along on the street, not to mention the real aftershocks that happened on a regular basis. everyone ran in panic, or just stood there frozen, feverishly hoping that this, too, shall pass.

then i went back in april, and the scenes were still the same – everywhere were still huge piles of concrete rubble and twisted rusted metal. nearly everywhere were colorful buildings partially collapsed that still looked ready to tumble into the road, and onto people, any minute. i can't even come close to adequately describing the panorama of physical destruction that still dominates the landscape.

and almost everywhere were those blue and gray plastic tent cities (bed sheet cities for those still not as lucky to have shelter), people camped out with barely nothing, or people being moved by the government to where there was even less – to huge barren fields of gravel with no green trees or natural sources of water, under the hot haitian sun.

the streets of port au prince were choked again with colorful tap-taps, careening trucks, motorbikes, people, mounds of trash, and stray dogs – everything kicking up dust and filling the city's winding mountainous streets with a crash course just waiting to happen.

but one thing was different about the street scenes this time, and you immediately noticed it. as we drove to the office at 7am, you now saw children in bright uniforms, smartly pressed. boys with neat haircuts and girls with pigtails and braids with big plastic colorful barrettes and ties. all wearing a backpack, often too big for their little bodies, and sometimes carrying a lunch bag, too. walking with their caregiver (here in haiti you can never assume that adult is necessarily the child’s parent), or maybe walking with their older sibling, carefully navigating between all the traffic and other people, and on their way back to school.

it’s a naïve cliché to smile at the sight and sounds of small children on their way to school, brightly dressed. but here in haiti, you can’t help yourself.

because you take in this scene like a colorful breath of fresh air amongst all the panorama of gray rubble. even after i kept seeing it every morning, i kept breathing it in, and nothing could temper my feeling that things are going to be ok.

well, alright i admit that often i started thinking about the fact that in haiti only about 50% of children get to go to school, and about 85% of those lucky children must come from families with enough income to send them to private schools because the government so horribly fails at providing anything for its children. and don’t compare that statistic to the public vs. private school debate in the US, because i’m not talking about differences in the quality of instruction; in fact, many haitian private schools are sub-standard compared to public. i mean that the haitian government can’t even provide the basic physical structure of a school and fill them with teachers, and so for families there is no other “choice” than private.

so while i marveled at the children on their way to school, i understood that i was only witnessing half of the situation, and that for 50% of the other children here in haiti, their reality is much more heartbreaking and their future much less bright.

but when you’re surrounded by destruction, you’ll take that dream, even when you know it’s only half realized. i left haiti last week with those same mixed feelings (can’t wait to get back to a nice shower! but i will miss all the work and everyone i worked with!), but this time i left with an image of hope i didn’t have before. i can’t wait to see what new scenes await for me when i go back again.

happy new year!

i wanted to try to blog while on vacation ... but alas, vacation took over ;-)

now vacation is coming to an end and in just a few more days i'll be back home freezing my tuchus off in cold, wintery new york city. i don't have any food-related items to chat about now (plenty of eating, just not any cooking involved, it is vaca after all!) but i'm a list-lover.

so when i came across these two from mary schmich of the chicago tribune via nonsociety (yes, i admit it, my daily guilty pleasure) i had to be a virgoan over-achiever and fill out both of them. enjoy and i'd love to see what's on your list!

(click here and here to see both original lists)

looking back on 2008
- I gained two very good friends
- I lost the patience to sit through classes that bore me to tears
- I stopped thinking about my ex-friend who was never my friend to begin with
- I started eating meat again
- I was hugely satisfied by our visit to kruger park
- And frustrated by the inability to connect
- I am so embarrassed that I was socially awkward in front of my new friend
- Once again, I googled RL and couldn’t find her
- Once again, I did not run a 5k
- The biggest physical difference between me last December and this December is I lost 10 lbs … but I think I gained it all back on this vaca ☹
- The biggest psychological difference between me last December and this
December is more confusion
- I loved spending time playing tennis
- Why did I spend even two minutes trying to chase that which was not going to be mine?
- I should have spent more time riding my bike
- I regret buying so much clothing
- I will never regret buying our trip to south africa even though with that money I could have bought a lower credit card bill
- I procrastinated way too much
- I didn’t become healthy enough
- H drove me crazy
- Was our annual holiday party crazier than ever last year? Or was it me?
- The most relaxing place I went was south africa
- I feel so happy when I write that down
- Why did I go to social work school?
- The best thing I did for someone else was forgive
- The best thing I did for myself was buy a mac
- The best thing someone did for me was give me the chance
- The one thing I’d like to do again, but do it better, is make people laugh

and looking forward to 2009
- One thing I will learn: french
- One place I will go: nigeria
- One physical habit I will break: sleeping in late
- One physical habit I will cultivate: running
- One mental habit I will break: regret
- One mental habit I will cultivate: patience
- One relationship I’ll repair: sex life
- One home repair I’ll finally get around to: moving
- One work habit I will change: arriving late
- One thing I’ll throw out: clothing that doesn’t fit
- A second thing I’ll throw out: old files
- One thing I’ll eat more often: fruit
- One thing I’ll eat less: meat
- One thing I’ll drink more: good wine
- One thing I’ll drink less: cocktails
- One overdue e-mail I’ll send, or overdue phone call I’ll make: honestly couldn’t think of anyone
- One resentment I’ll get over: losing RL through nobody's fault but my own (albeit more like regret, not resent)
- One person I’ll treat more respectfully: my husband
- One thing I’ll spend less money on: clothing
- One other change I’ll make in my finances: I’ll get a job
- One thing I’ll spend less time doing: second-guessing myself
- And a thing I’ll spend more time doing: being happy with feeling happy
- One resolution I’ve made before but will honor this time because I really do believe that with a little effort life can be better: just do it

happy halloween!!

one of my favorite nights of the year has finally arrived .... happy halloween everyone!!

happy anniversary sweetie

these past four years have been wonderful.

you are my everything.

i will miss you when i leave next year. but that's why i love you. because you are always there for me, supporting me, my biggest cheerleader. i couldn't do this without you.

happy anniversary sweetie, here's to many more wonderful years!

do you see what i see?

for the more technologically advanced ... how do i deal with the fact that screens display color and brightness so differently? is there any way to compensate when using photoshop so that a digital photograph is rendered visually the same on any screen?

i am researching how to calibrate my own screen for color management; but assuming that most people don't go that far, is there any way to be in control of how others see my photos (who don't calibrate their screens)?

cook book and travel advice needed!

my dear readers, there are a few of you out there who i think might be able to help me with two questions ...

now that colder weather is here, i love to curl up with new books. i've already got a few on my wish list, but i really want a new cook book for dinner.

i've been eyeing the barefoot contessa books and know there are a bunch of fans out there ... so, if you like BC and have her cook books, which one would you recommend? do you have a favorite recipe from one of them? maybe her first one? or in paris? or at home? they all sound and look so lovely!

and it might be only october but that doesn't mean i'm not thinking about the holidays! the mimis are heading out west to visit family for christmas. we decided to extend the trip up to san francisco for new year's eve. neither of us know anyone in san fran, and mr. mimi was there only about 25 years ago! i'm super excited to visit chinatown, joe's burger, chez panisse, and muir woods.

but what should we do about new year's eve?? how do most people in san fran celebrate? unfortunately since we don't know anyone there, house parties are not an option. so for those stuck out and about, which part of town do people go to? we're no longer club hopping kids (well, mr. mimi never was, haha!) but like music, dancing, burlesque, etc etc. if you have specific suggestions that's great, but at least right now we're just trying to decide what area to book our hotel that might offer the best possibility of being in walking distance of whatever it is we end up doing! so downtown? union square? the mission? soma or whatever it's called?

i don't have much to give in return except my sincere undying gratitude, suggestions for vegetarian cook books, and new york city travel tips!

(photo credits: the contessa by quentin bacon and golden gate from destination 411)

hello weekend!!

i'm ready for ... lots of tennis, good home cooking, maybe painting the bathroom?, research and writing, economics homework, a ton of baking, maybe a movie?, and wishing that monday would never come!

project runway

literally five minutes at home ... time to squeeze in only a couple sentences, so here it goes!

korto was completely robbed last night! her show was the only one that actually looked like a collection. the colors were great, silhouettes were interesting, beading was gorgeous. it looked cohesive while still interesting. in an elle spread, it would be enough variety to be pleasing on the eye.

leanne on the other hand was completely boring. yes, her construction is beautiful and i absolutely loved two of her pieces. and kudos for having skirt, dress, pants, and short. but every single item had the waves!! and only two colors! her elle spread will be boring, five pages of all the same thing!

i don't think i've ever been so annoyed by someone i don't know than by kenley! and my goodness, that voice of hers is like nails on a chalkboard! but i have to give her credit and say that some of her pieces were lovely. but overall, the show just looked disjointed without much that connected all the pieces.

and your thoughts??

i miss you already chewy

this is the third re-write of this post, and still i don't know what it is that i really want to say.

chewy was welcomed into a new home tonight, with a new family that will love him and care for him in all the ways i could ever wish for. but i am heartbroken at the feeling that i have abandoned him.



years ago when i was acknowledging my cross-national adoption for the first time, and understanding what it means to me to feel that loss, i met someone who helped me develop the strength to find some inner peace. it was literally just a single talk we had one evening, but it has stayed with me for 15 years now.

she grew up in a strict catholic family in the 1960s and when she became pregnant as a teenager her parents forced her to give the baby up for adoption. and what she told me was: "after 30 years i have never forgotten my son or his birthday. it is impossible for a woman to forget the experience of being pregnant, giving birth, and the baby they were not able to keep. your mother has not forgotten you."

at the time she told me that i was a teenager and had never been even close to being pregnant. so i could not really relate to her experience, but i took her words on faith.

and at the risk of being anthropomorphic, i can't help but remember her words as i pass along chewy to his new family. and before you start criticizing me for comparing a kitty to a child, it's not the adoptee that is the same. but it is the act itself - giving something i love away to someone else - that has unexpectedly triggered so many feelings of grief, loss, abandonment, and doubt.

my friend who adopted chewy told me that it is when we love and care for someone or something that we have to make hard decisions.

so true.

so tonight, dear chewy, i hope you are settling in with your new family. giving you to m. was one of the hardest decisions i have had to make.



we came back home and your little welcoming meow at the front window was missing, and your funny little spirited personality is no longer there to make us laugh. i cry when i think of your face as we drove away. but i will never forget you.

spice racks rant

okay, yes i'm pushing it here for post numero diez. but anyone who lives in new york city knows how much can be a bitch to run errands. the simplest things can take all afternoon. and then it's still a crapshoot if you can actually find what you want!

no let me clarify that. in this great city you can find anything that you want, and a thousand things you never even dreamed of wanting.

but how come all spice racks now come with the actual containers?? i want this one. but i was trying to save me some shipping charges and so i spent all afternoon in the usual suspects, looking for at least something similar. all i find in the stores are big fancy racks with spice jars already included. wtf?! is it that difficult to have something simple? i hate when consumer goods try to get more complicated and fancy when all it really is, is more junk.

what's your rant?

food for thought

no time for a recipe, but wanted to make sure i got my nablowrimo post in!

i read this last week, a reader's comment to the new york times article about a police lieutenant's suicide after he ordered the tasering of a man, who then fell off a fire escape and died.

i found it meaningful in so many ways, in so many contexts ... personal, cultural, political, international.

"We place so much emphasis on blame and responsibility in our public culture today — and so little on forgiveness.

I wonder if were we a more forgiving society — one in which a tragic mistake such as the death of Iman Morales could be admitted and then forgiven — if Officer Pigott might have lived to serve again as a chastened and wiser servant of public safety.

In this case, tragedy and suffering has been duplicated — and no one is the better for it."

— Posted by Mark (comment #158)

five friends

thanks to jen over at use real butter i discovered that october is national blog writing month. woo hoo! that means one post every day for the entire month of october. what do you get out of it? hopefully some interesting stories, recipes, photos, and random droolings. what do i get out it? a free luxury lip balm!! my oh my i need this lip balm. i love lip balm. i will pimp myself out for lip balm any month!

and well now it's day three. sheesh, you thought you were going to get another recipe? umm, i'm really not that industrious in the kitchen! and although some people may not enjoy reading about those other parts of my life ... isn't that what having good food and drink is all about? to have the time and space to share good stories, happiness, heartache, debate, politics, hopes, and questions with family and friends?

so even though you might not agree with my choice come election day, i hope you agree with this video.



for more nablowrimo goodies, check out the blogroll here.

the ER, daring bakers, and an award

if you are someone unlike me - someone who sees a deadline 30 days away and gets things done with 29 days left - then you wouldn't be writing this post.

but if you fall into the 30 days in advance means do it on day 29, well then a trip to the ER and a weeklong recovery means that the deadline is screwed.

such was my fate last week, which is why i do not have anything to share with you. natalie from gluten a go go and shelly from musings from the fishbowl picked an awesome recipe in peter reinhart's lavash crackers to be accompanied by a tasty vegan dip of one's choice.


what compounds my non daring baker misery is the fact that earlier this month lisa from magic sprinkles bestowed the brilliante award to me! even though i don't feel very brilliante right now, thanks lisa! now i'm supposed to pass on the award to 7 more bloggers. but i'm going to bend the rules and pass it along to the group of hundreds of amazing daring bakers. i've said it before, but every month they inspire me and humble me. so please, go check out these truly dynamite daring bakers!

what do i think about sarah palin?

a family member has been forwarding me all sorts of anti-palin commentary. finally i responded with a snarky "i am probably not as anti-palin as you think" and i think she fainted with shock - you need to put it in the context that i am more left than most left democrats, and pretty much a diehard feminist - and she wrote back "but don't you think palin isn't ready to be president?"

i sat on it for a day and then this was my reply:

... actually i think the whole "ready or not?" question is not even necessary - and certainly ironic when it comes from obama supporters (not you specifically, i mean in general) who claimed the question was irrelevant for their candidate, but now somehow crucial for the republican side.

i have lots of opinions about this election, but they probably don't fall into the neat package that most democrats portray. and while it may grab headlines, i really can't take any author seriously when their title is "caribou barbie" - this is what represents meaningful conversation??! but then again, for most democrats - they actually don't want any meaningful debate, they just have knee-jerk reactions (democrats good, republicans bad) in which they'll believe anything that the left-side press will write.

honestly, of course i disagree with the vast majority of palin's beliefs, values, and positions on many issues. however, i think the democrats (or at least the left-side press) is rutting around for anything - which usually turns out to be nothing - to try to discredit her. and it's just not going to work. first, because the kind of stuff they are bringing up really doesn't matter. the hypocrisy of the democrats for what should be a "scandal" is embarrassing. and second, because what the democrat party fails to remember again and again is that not everyone in the country is a left democrat.

i think the party made a huge mistake when they didn't pick hillary to be the vp nominee. not only did she win 48% of the party itself, but she obviously won over people that palin is going to appeal to. could they not understand what the demographics in the primary results indicated? biden is just not going to be a match for that. that's the difference between the republicans and democrats - the republicans pick people to win, and the democrats pick people they like.

it doesn't say much when probably the only reason i'll vote along the democrat ticket this year is because of the supreme court justices and not because i actually want to vote for the democrat nominee. the democratic party had every single thing going for it this year to make it a real election, to bring real issues to the forefront. that they haven't done it thus far, and from the look of the stuff the left-side press is dishing out - they probably won't - is depressing.

but then again, two months is a long time and who knows what will happen! but if it continues like this and obama and the democrats that support him don't change their strategy, he will lose ...

i haven't gotten a response yet :)

update: her response was about the supreme court issue, which i agree is very important. but this was my reply ...

the problem is ... for most of americans - even women - the supreme court is not the most important issue. the more the democrats mention that, the more they are preaching to the choir and missing what palin appeals to. the thing is that pro-choice and pro-life are values that many voters won't cross. the republicans are smart enough to know that and they don't bother with that issue. instead, they go after the other "gray" issues which leave many voters undecided. i think the biggest problem with the democrats is they dismiss and devalue what palin brings to the republican ticket - it's easy to call her a "caribou barbie," no? - and they don't seriously look at what she's going to bring in areas like ohio and michigan. we watched bill maher last night and he made fun of her and her "small town" experience and values. what the democrats forget is that most of the nation does not live in LA or NYC. i'm not saying i agree with those experiences or values - but i don't underestimate them and i don't belittle them - because i know that the states that matter also live like that.

i want to believe

that this year is going to be different.

i never had a problem or dislike of obama, per se. i had a very big problem with the "leadership" and decision making incapability of the DNC that made the primary season a farce. i had a pretty big dislike of many of obamaniacs (which, btw, is almost everyone in my circle) and their intense - yet completely hollow - demagoguery of hillary. the media fueled contradictions and hypocrisy - if the majority of white people in a county voted for hillary it was because of racism, but if 90% of black men in a state voted for barack it was solidarity?? - of the primary season was almost unbearable.

i don't think i will ever agree with the selection of biden as VP. strategically i think a united party is a stronger party and including 48 percent of the party would have been a start.

but i want to believe that this year is going to be different. that our passion, our determination, and our efforts will not be for naught. because i refuse to believe that the only winning vote i have ever casted in my whole twelve years of voting was for bubba.

i don't get the same visceral reaction that the most fervent supporters do when obama speaks. but he had some amazing passages that reminded me ... i still believe in a place called hope.



oh yeah, and when i was a wayward teenager i was ga-ga over al gore. i wanted to bear his love child. i mean look at this photo - wasn't he a hottie?! he might still not be a great speaker, but damn he's still handsomely good-looking!!

thank you hillary

i know i said no more politics, but i am so happy now in a way that i so so so much needed.

i may still not understand why barack didn't choose her as VP - and that's pure strategy talking, not my emotions.

it's bittersweet, but thank you hillary ... you did it, and you did it brilliantly and beautifully.



(don't worry, i promise tomorrow there will be more food. but can you really blame me? it's been an amazing year!)

south africa

settling back home is always the toughest part of vacation. but especially so when you have the best vacation, ever. which is the simplest way to express how much we loved south africa.



in two weeks you can hardly see anything in a country as large and diverse as south africa, but of what we did, it was amazing.



our itinerary kept us very busy until just the last day: boulders beach, cape of good hope, langa township, hermanus, kruger park, sabi sands reserve, and hazyview.



the main reason we decided to vacation in south africa was for the animals. and we were not disappointed at all! in addition to the big five, we saw so many other animals large and small. great birding too, and beautiful, diverse ecozones.









you can also see more photos on my flickr set. if you really want all the boring little details, i also have a trip report posted on lonely planet.









but now it's back to the reality of not working and going back to school ... AND BAKING!! 'tis about time to get back to it, huh? so i'm off to make an old favorite and spend my entire afternoon catching up on everyone's blogs that i've been missing!! :)

this blog is not a figment of your imagination

i really am here. and i really did my martha pie this past monday, really. i even have photos to prove it! in fact, i have a whole crapload of photos of so many different things i was wanted to post here but haven't yet gotten around to it.

i promise i will when i return.

but this afternoon i will be on my way to south africa, for cape town and kruger. so you, my dear readers, will have to wait just a wee bit longer.

in the meantime, please go check out lynn at bites and pieces who also did the martha pie, and it came out looking gorgeous! her lattice top - first ever! - is lovely and looks oh so delish. she also passed along the arte y pico award, which certainly is undeserved at the blog moment. i promise i will make it up to her!

and here's my sweet milo. i hope to see the ancestral version of this on my safari :)

just what i needed

some of you may have already seen the new york times article (or maybe even better yet, and you've known about matt since 2005). i actuallly saw that article on the "most popular" links for a few days and with the title i was like whatever.

but now i'm so fortunate that jen over at use real butter posted about it.

after all that i've been thinking about, and all that doubt, and all that i've been struggling with recently ... this video was exactly what i needed.

maybe it will be for you too.



if you want to watch a clearer version, click here and make sure to click on the link for "watch in high quality" (right below the "views" number)

for more info about matt, click here.

i'm back ...

... are you ready for me?

it's true, i'm still in this nebulous, indescribable funk of funks. it's just a web of burden related to time (or lack thereof), self-doubt, misdirection, and missed connections. i hadn't taken a photo (of anything) since my last post. i've hardly been in the kitchen. i didn't even browse online. and you know what? i was still in a funk! so then i had the epiphany that baking and blogging was surely not a cause of my funk, and if anything, it was a happy distraction that i was sorely missing.

so i'm back. and let me begin with something that is way over due. lovely farida of the beautiful blog farida's azerbaijani cookbook passed along the "yummy blog award" to me back in may and what an honor! i was supposed to list my 5 favorite desserts i prepared. going down memory lane, here are my faves, in no particular order:

almond-mocha roulade
bill's big carrot (cup)cake
best brownie ever (tied with the lovely flying hearts)
chocolate hazelnut biscotti
passover fruit tart
chocolate macarons

(haha, okay that was technically 7 and if i don't stop now i'll end up listing all of them as faves!)


and drumroll please for the next 3 blogs i am passing along this yummy blog award to. i have a growing list of favorite blogs i make sure to read, and these are the more recent ones i have found:

stephanie from a whisk and a spoon
melody at my sweet and saucy
kid diva with the sugar bar

congrats and a toast! here's to many more days and years of beautiful blogging!